Lately, I have been asked, "What have you done?" As in what have you done in Life.
and am being constantly measured on someone else's ruler.
Does this happen to you? or Do you do this to yourself?
This is me talking about my failure to stand up for myself and letting someone else tell me what a douchebag I am.
So those who know me also know that I was a visiting faculty in my Alma mater. During COVID they asked me to teach a new module EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. This had to be the best thing that happened to me that year. While I was on a journey of self-learning and development, where struggles and delays also followed, this was one of those moments where I felt "It's a BLESSING IN DISGUISE."
This subject helped me unleash what is EMOTIONAL HIJACKING (its after school that I read science. Trying to understand the different sections of BRAIN was Brain Racking), EGO DEPLETION, SELF- AWARENESS, and most importantly SELF CONTROL (& am not talking just about food, I can't control that in this life at least)
The weight loss and all is fine but for the past few months am facing emotional turbulence. This pandemic was already creating a HAVOC in the way of my aspirations. But just because someone was able to do something very similar and got successful I was made to run on the APPARATUS to measure "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? & For how long are we going to see you only KNIT & PAINT?"
But today, I am feeling Good Why? Because
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me...(Nina Simone constantly singing in my background).
And I want you to feel good too.
The fact is we already know we are not where we want to be and we are constantly making efforts. NOT PROCRASTINATING. Like real efforts and facing reasonable delays. Does this prove that we are incompetent or incapable? Does it mean that we must give up and believe when people tell us that "you know we have great expectations from you but still the results according to your efforts are not good enough"
Who decides all this anyway? Who sets these timelines? Who has this success measuring apparatus?
Your friend gets married and some already have kids but you don't have either and you are compared and judged by the SOCIETY
Someone in your circle gets a job in the STATES but you don't, irrespective of whether you want to or not, RELATIVES judge you. You also doubt yourself
Your classmate is earning 15 lakhs per year and you are only earning 6 and PARENTS says dekho usko, seekho ussay. array nahi seekhna..
Your SPOUSE looks at someone and says I wish you'd have a figure like that. (Yaah! why not?)
and when all of this starts impacting you and you decide to speak about it, they will say,
"you know we only say all this out of concern because we know you are more capable than this, and we just said it so you can put more efforts."
REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY? Could this get any better?
So you are telling me that if you keep pinching me with these grinding words I might become MILKHA SINGH and run even faster? Oh! alright then this is a good enough theory but only if I wanted to run like MILKHA SINGH. What if I am happy WALKING?
So how many of you'll know that reverse psychology can have reverse effects? and that it can cause meltdowns?
IF YOU ARE FACING THIS & IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND CAN RELATE?
LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY
YOU DECIDE YOUR LIFE, YOUR PACE, YOUR FIGHT.
YOU DON'T OWE ANSWERS TO ANYONE...
& YOU CAN DECIDE HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL ABOUT WHAT YOU HEAR.
What is this success anyways? Bank Balance? Designation? Foreign Trips? Marriage? Children? Awards?
At which level, exactly, can you say you are SUCCESSFUL?
Success is not a DESTINATION. You become better every single day and that adds to achieving what you want.
If yesterday you were not able to make chapati and today you have? DARLING, YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL
If yesterday you walked 1000 steps but today you pushed yourself to walk 1005. YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL
Yesterday you decided to take up a few courses and if today you have actually started studying? Congratulations YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL.
Success is becoming a better version of yourself every single day. The only time you should feel successful is when you look back and feel happy about where you are today and you can feel that every day.
It is a JOURNEY
A homeless may say he is successful if he is happy with whatever he has and WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE?
Sometimes I feel our lack of success concerns everyone, or is it our DETERMINATION & POSITIVISM that regardless of whether they think we are successful or not, we manage to keep our chin up high and keep doing what is important?
Frankly, I think I am successful. I say so because of many reasons... The skills I enhanced, the knowledge I gained, The experiences that I've had, The decisions I took, and the consequences. This has made me successful or should I say It has added to my success. What I have failed at is articulating my success numerically (more like monetarily).
I honestly love the person I have become. I adore myself. Am stronger than ever (emerging self-love). Yes, I don't have money. Yes, I don't have a stable job and Yes, I keep on challenging my comfort zone because I hate being monotonous when it comes to development, and I hate being stuck. I have ruthlessly left jobs that were not giving me the growth I expected. They were paying me so well that today I could've had a car of my own. Yes... But it wasn't giving that one thing that I so badly crave. Growth.
Well, It is true that the success and growth that am talking about are not going to pay my bills or buy groceries or buy me sarees. I know how important money is. And I know that this is concerning. People might think am stubborn, may be they are right. I am. But I can't do a job am not happy at only for money. Its frustrating. I have sat at desks with no solid job but amazing pay. I use to travel an hour just for a air conditioner and unlimited free coffee. Yes I did meet people but they were as bored as I was. BTW am thinking of write about how many jobs I quit and why? (risky)
Like I said, I failed to articulate my success. But I haven't and I wont give up.
I have a journey I set for me as an Individual and God knows am determined and
I also know that Good Things Take Time...
I have been explaining people that what you think of me is not THE ME. But I can only say so much, but if they've already judged me and already assessed me with their SUCCESS MEASURING APPARATUS, I can't do anything. In fact, at this point, I don't want to do anything.
Am telling you to stop explaining, stop seeking validation and experience it yourself. It's calming. It's enriching. Soon you will realize that nobody absolutely nobody understands or even try to understand.
We live in a world where we made Sachin Tendulkar the GOD OF CRICKET (I wasn't sure so I googled it) and we are the ones who had no shame in cursing and abusing him when he got out on ZERO. Did it stop him from playing? or becoming the man that he is today? But let me also tell you that if the GOD OF CRICKET had no mercy, WE are just very normal people trying to achieve what WE think is a success for 'US'...
No matter how many times you've not achieved what you wanted...
No matter how many jobs you've switched...
No matter how long it takes to get where you want to...
No matter what your age is...
The challenge is how far are you willing to go?
because the only time you fail is when you refuse to get up and try again.
I strongly believe that age is just a number if you are in your 30s and are single, unmarried, with an unstable bank balance let me tell you that, 'Just look back and appreciate all that you've done. All those times you wanted to give up but you chose to hold on, you were already successful then and you are even more successful now. Give yourself some credit..'
Don't be fooled by someone else's success. We all are writing our own story and believe me our life is a dream for someone. Live it while you have it.
I read somewhere 30 is the new 20.
Which means am only 25 (Cheers to that🍺).
In that case, I've just got started.
& So have you...
Thanks for Reading...
Love💗💗
Priyanka Ashokanand
